Living in the Past  and in the Present...

Living in the past is so easy and so dangerous all at the same time. I look back at the one guy I feel like he could've been the one. He had his faults and I probably would have had to put an ultimatum in front of him. I sit and wonder what he would have chosen me or his pass time.

Lets start from the beginning.. We started as friends with benefits and it slowly to evolve into friendship. I never thought we would become more then FWB. We had the best relationship every. We told each other everything from what woman he liked and what guys said to me. We gave each other advice on dating and in our personal problems. We knew when to back off when we started dating someone. We gave each other space any time we felt like we were getting to close. He was in some ways my best friend. I always felt like I could be myself with him. He was the first person I would call when I got a promotion, had a fight with some family member, or some random person fro work. We had this kind of relationship for 5yrs. After 5yrs it was bound to happen. It was bound to happen that one of us would fall for the other person. I have to say that if we would have tried to make it work it may have worked out. I was raised in a very religious house hold. My parents had no idea that I had this kind friend. I also didn't feel the need to tell them you know. After all I was a 20something year old with a kid. I always had to sneak around to just hang out with him. We didn't always have sex when we saw each other. Sometimes I would go over to his place to just talk, play xbox, or just hang out. I don't know.. it just always felt comfortable between us, never an awkward moment.
I ended up tell him how I felt about him. It seemed like he was interested in trying to maybe work something out with me. But I ended up moving to a different state.

This is where living in the past can became dangerous. All this time I've been comparing all the guys to him. Trying to make them some what like him, trying to have a relationship like the one we had. I know that's wrong, but when you have something that just came so naturally, its hard to give it up. Its hard to have that relationship and all of sudden it be taken away. We tried to stay in touch but when you live in 2 different states its kind of hard. So I started dating and seeing other guys and I'm sure he started dating other woman. Living in the should've, could've, would've is toxic. Wondering if the next guy you talk to will be anything like him. I always tell myself next guy I talk to I will not compare him to my past, but some how I end up doing thing I swore I wouldn't do. I know that thing between us happened for reason and we're not talking or together because we weren't meant to be. I understand that but just because I understand that doesn't mean its easy to follow along.

My past has made me who I am. The people who have come into my life regardless whether they have been lovers, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and/or relatives, they have all made me the person I am today. But he who will remain nameless has had impact in my life like no other. Not even my kids father had this much impact in my life.

The thing is I'm learning to let go of the past and as much as I want to keep it close to me I know that I can't. I know that by me holding on the past can only do me and future relationship harm. So now that I have put this to pen and paper or better yet keyboard to computer, I feel like I can move on and let myself fall for a nice guy. A guy who will have a clean slate with me and maybe more.

Ex-Boyfriends can be such Assholes!!!


So I ran into my ex boyfriend on the dating website that I met him on, which by the way is funny as hell since a few weeks before I joined the website he had texted me saying how he misses me and how much he loved him. Now that I think about it I kinda wonder how long he had been on the website. I always had a gut feeling he was cheating on me but I could never prove it. Well good thing I didn't get attacked to his girls. I think that's the one thing I don't regret about that relationship. I didn't spend that much time with them but I always wanted to make their live so much better. I say better because well they have a drug addict for a mom and well the father (yes my ex boyfriend) couldn't/can't hold a job down. When I first met him he had job but very quickly lost it too. I have the biggest heart when it comes to children.

But I'm not gonna go there because well I get emotional.

Let me just keep talking about that jobless loser (for short we'll call him JL). He was always giving me all kinds of excuses as to why he couldn't come over or why we couldn't hang out. He only called when he wanted to rub one out and let me tell you it was hard to get into it because he has a heavy southern accent, and it was hard to understand him. He would get so mad at me cause he thought I was making fun him. A part was making fun of him but lets be honest that wasn't my fault. I will say he NEVER asked me for money. I think it had to due with the fact that I told him that I would never give him money since I had a family to take care of. JL never took me to his place because well he was a loser that didn't have a job and couldn't pay rent. He told he lived his friends, his sister, and his mother. We had sex only when would come over, which was like once a month and when we would meet in public places. Yes you read it right in public places. He was the one guy who I can honestly say was never afraid to get caught having sex in public. The funny thing is that when I met him I told him that we could be FWB. I said that cause I wasn't sure if I wanted to get in relationship with him and well the sex was good. I'm woman enough to admit HELL YEAH the sex was good. He made me say  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Yeah it was that good.
But still I made sure to let him know that it was cool if he wanted to just be fwb. But no he was like no I want a relationship. So I went against my better judgment and decided to date him. I don't know if I dated him for all the reasons or what, but I have come to realize that I dated him for a reason. I learned my lesson on trusting my gut and not to date someone just because the sex is good.

I'm glad I found him on that website it gave the strength to call him out on it. Yes went back and fourth one each but it felt good to go off on him. He always made me feel like I should feel bad for having nice things. I never understood that. You know the funny thing is that we would have had such an easy job if he would've been loyal and faithful. I never asked him to buy me anything or take me out anywhere. I knew his situation. It just sucks having to go threw something like that specially when you like so much more then he likes you. Again lesson learned!

FYI: Ladies never date guy who can't keep a job, and ALWAYS trust your instinct.

Girl Code! Girl Code! Girl Code!

Like I have said before I have joined a couple of dating sites. And I have been having fun talking to some the fellas on these sites. I have run into my ex guys and my friends ex guys.

Now I'm fairly new to the area so I don't know a whole lot of people. I also don't have a lot friends, so when I meant people I try to make friends. The problem I'm running into is that I'm meeting my friends ex guys. Of course sometimes I don't know that they're my friends ex because I've never met before. Let me just jump into this wonderful story. Here goes...

So I meant a nice guy the name of *John Smith* (No that's not his name and I'm not tell you guys his name either). I didn't even know who he was until I saw his profile picture on Facebook.  That's how I figured out he was my friends ex. They have a kid together and I notice that are friends. So I proceed to ask him how he knew her and that how I found out. Now before you ladies start calling me out and saying I broke girl code, I actually didn't. Once I found out I asked him if he minded me ask her if it was alright for us to start talking. He said yes. Which I have to say I was a lil surprised but at the same time I was like well at least he has nothing to hide. So I call her and asked if it was cool and she said it was. At this point I wasn't sure only because I knew that if it was me I would not be okay with it. Even if we were okay with each other. So I let him know that she said it was cool for us to talk and we did.

I will say this I like him but a part me always feels kinda guilty cause he is my friends ex. I'm not the most positive person because I'm not. I like guys to pursue me not to the point where I want to change my number, but you make me feel like they are interested me. I also like a guy who listens to what I have to say. I get that as he wanted to meet me but I had plans this past weekend. So when he asked I told him that I couldn't but that I could the following weekend. So then he asked if we could talk to I said yes, but I get confused when people ask if we can talk when that's what we're doing. Just because we're not on the phone talking doesn't mean we're not communicating. We can text and be communicating. Anywho we spoke last Friday and to be honest it felt like he did most of the talking then anything else. I would talk here and there and just did the "mmhmm" and the "Oh yeah that's nice" answers. Once he was done talking I was getting tired and didn't want to talk to him anymore, but I kept talking to him. He then started asking questions and there was times when he would ask the same questions twice in a row. In my head I was like are you paying attention or do u just not care. I tried have lots patience but by golly god I was ready to tell him off. I event told him that I wasn't a phone person and her like totally brushed it off like I was just messing with. Which is not the case because I really do hate talking on the phone. Even family hates the fact I don't call them. Anywho... I get that he wanted to meet this weekend but I had already told him that I was busy and he kept bugging me to meet him. The more someone pushes me to do something the more I tend to pull back. If I start to feel pressured I start to pull back and not want anything to do the guy I'm talking to.  I'm trying really hard to be nice to him but I feel like yelling at him and tell him to back fuck off just a lil. I feel like he wants me to stop everything for him and I just can't stop everything for him. I've never done that before and I won't start now.

I get that I may feel like that because its been awhile since I've been in a relationship. I also understand that I need to be open to someone but it so hard when its just been me and my family. I hate letting new people into my life because I'm so scared of getting hurt. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to date anyone. I wish I could be like those woman who can jump from one relationship to the next. I have come to realize that I'm okay with the idea of growing old by myself. I don't feel the need to have someone there to witness every lil thing I do. Sure sometimes I want someone to talk to but who doesn't. 

I'm just not sure this guy is the guy for me. I'm glad I asked my friend about maybe starting a relationship with him. I feel like I did the right thing. I'm really not sure about him I'll keep you guys posted on that situation.