Monday, March 23, 2015

Living in the Past  and in the Present...

Living in the past is so easy and so dangerous all at the same time. I look back at the one guy I feel like he could've been the one. He had his faults and I probably would have had to put an ultimatum in front of him. I sit and wonder what he would have chosen me or his pass time.

Lets start from the beginning.. We started as friends with benefits and it slowly to evolve into friendship. I never thought we would become more then FWB. We had the best relationship every. We told each other everything from what woman he liked and what guys said to me. We gave each other advice on dating and in our personal problems. We knew when to back off when we started dating someone. We gave each other space any time we felt like we were getting to close. He was in some ways my best friend. I always felt like I could be myself with him. He was the first person I would call when I got a promotion, had a fight with some family member, or some random person fro work. We had this kind of relationship for 5yrs. After 5yrs it was bound to happen. It was bound to happen that one of us would fall for the other person. I have to say that if we would have tried to make it work it may have worked out. I was raised in a very religious house hold. My parents had no idea that I had this kind friend. I also didn't feel the need to tell them you know. After all I was a 20something year old with a kid. I always had to sneak around to just hang out with him. We didn't always have sex when we saw each other. Sometimes I would go over to his place to just talk, play xbox, or just hang out. I don't know.. it just always felt comfortable between us, never an awkward moment.
I ended up tell him how I felt about him. It seemed like he was interested in trying to maybe work something out with me. But I ended up moving to a different state.

This is where living in the past can became dangerous. All this time I've been comparing all the guys to him. Trying to make them some what like him, trying to have a relationship like the one we had. I know that's wrong, but when you have something that just came so naturally, its hard to give it up. Its hard to have that relationship and all of sudden it be taken away. We tried to stay in touch but when you live in 2 different states its kind of hard. So I started dating and seeing other guys and I'm sure he started dating other woman. Living in the should've, could've, would've is toxic. Wondering if the next guy you talk to will be anything like him. I always tell myself next guy I talk to I will not compare him to my past, but some how I end up doing thing I swore I wouldn't do. I know that thing between us happened for reason and we're not talking or together because we weren't meant to be. I understand that but just because I understand that doesn't mean its easy to follow along.

My past has made me who I am. The people who have come into my life regardless whether they have been lovers, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and/or relatives, they have all made me the person I am today. But he who will remain nameless has had impact in my life like no other. Not even my kids father had this much impact in my life.

The thing is I'm learning to let go of the past and as much as I want to keep it close to me I know that I can't. I know that by me holding on the past can only do me and future relationship harm. So now that I have put this to pen and paper or better yet keyboard to computer, I feel like I can move on and let myself fall for a nice guy. A guy who will have a clean slate with me and maybe more.

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